Liz Lemon (played by Tina Fey) is a hardworking single female in her 30's who always puts her demanding job first, and her personal life 4th. Her awkwardness with men and relationships is endearing and comical in the show, but as I sit here nursing another rejection by a dude I actually liked I fear that I will grow up to be a Liz Lemon and it is actually more sad and depressing than funny.

Actually, what would be even more depressing is to be like a Liz Lemon except for the job thing, and have a really boring nothing job and still be socially awkward and alone.

Yes, that would be a worse fate that could be awaiting me.

So Rob's intent on winning over some chick named Ashley Awesome. Isn't that nice? She just wants to be friends but he likes her soooo much he's just going to keep trying to get her to like him back. It's like a candy commercial it's just so effin sweet.

I don't care, I have my flask of vodka and my minty fresh cigarettes.

Who could ask for anything more?

I read that somewhere in a book where it was meant to be a famous quote written by a famous man. It sounds very romantic, unrequited love and all that. However in most cases I find it's not really about the love or object of love that is driving a person to love them, but just how safe the non-relationship can be.

Loving someone who doesn't love you back takes the guesswork out of the whole love thing. You never have to stay up all night waiting for a phone call or wondering if they're thinking about you because you already know that they are most definitely not doing anything of the sort. There are no games, you know exactly where you stand in their eyes, either as a non-person, not even registering in their life or as just a friend, a fuck buddy, whatever. Most importantly, there is never a feeling of dissapointment. Your lover who doesn't love you will never dissapoint you because you already know that you love them no matter what, and that they don't feel the same way. There are no unpleasant surprises like being cheated on or finding out they're really an asshole as each carefully constructed mask is peeled away by that magical wonderful thing called being together with someone waaaay too long. Maybe they'll get married and if you're in the friends zone you'll be invited to the wedding, but that isn't a surprise either because if they weren't going to marry you ever in a million years, then of course they'll marry some other dumbass.

Some people may contest that there is a deep depression and longing for the object of desire involved in such non-relationships. But even that can have its perks. Depression can motivate one to take up more hobbies to get their mind off of their own tempting suicide, and also to have meaningless relationships with other people that they don't really care about that would never turn into something serious, leaving them free to love who they want and still be physically entertained. And, as most people and healthcare professionals will tell you about pain, the longer you endure it the more your body gets used to it. Sometimes you won't even know it's there.

Loving someone who doesn't love you back is the safest, most comfortable relationship you'll ever be in. In a way, it's like a relationship that you start 20 years in, after all the fake is gone and it's just the truth as it is, unfair, ugly, but dignified. Isn't that what everyone really wants when they say, "I don't want to die alone"?

In conclusion, America, stop trying to fall in love with people who will love you back, and stop trying to win over people who don't love you. Lovers will betray and dissapoint you, and so will trying to win one. Just keep on loving who you want and accept that they'll never feel the same way and you will soon be in the most free, secure, and predictable relationship of your entire exsistence. Doesn't everyone like a little security?

I can see why christianity is so popular. It's surprisingly comforting to think that when you die you'll be with all your loved ones and all the anger and confusion you had in this life will be answered for and explained to you, and then of course they dissapear and you're surrounded by happiness and love. Some days I want to believe that. But most days I'd rather be rude, lazy, and sinful. A word of advice to those of you who haven't read the book, but intend to read it sometime in the future: Do not read if you are currently single and/or have heightened amounts of estrogen pumping into your body due to your imminent menstration. The main character has this really touching, beautiful love for his wife that is so depressing when you don't see a love like that happening in your near future. Better to just forgo it.

I guess in B's perfect mind-world the 5 people I would meet in heaven if I died at my ripe old age of 21, almost 22:
Jesus - Reassuring me that every bible-thumper who ever annoyed the crap out of me is now burning in hell.
My Irish Relatives - I've never met them but we can just get shitfaced and have an intense rager party.
Isadora Duncan - So I can take a dance class from her.
William Shakespeare - So I can find out how much of his work was actually original. For real.
and Rob - And he would apologize for hurting me and of course admit that he's always loved me. And obviously I would simply say, "I've talked to William Shakespeare and Jesus, and they both think you're an asshole"
But something tells me these kinds of thoughts don't exactly guarantee you a place there.

With simple needs. Space, being the one that comes to mind the most. I adore space, space is like a great big soft king sized bed with a hot pizza waiting for me (in a box of course, not directly on the bed) because it is comfortable, I don't have to share it, and it makes me happy. Another need to add on to the list is open communication. If you absolutely need to be invading my personal space for hours at a time, usually asking first will eliminate all thoughts I am bound to have of killing you. Many humans think this makes me a "bitch" and "unfriendly." But these humans who think that are still held in pretty high regard by me because they at least have a kind of dignity to just come out and say what they are thinking.
Some psychologists have this question they ask you, if you woke up tomorrow and your life was perfect, what would have changed about you? They ask this so that you can see that the things you really want are in your grasp. Thinner, richer, etc. All I really want right now is for these walls to be 1-foot thick of concrete and a lazer outside my door that zaps intruders. Pretty simple, really.